Grinding and hustling is glorified just as expected in a consumption-based, capitalist society. Until recently, I was in the grips of this activity-based-self-worth pattern.

When you value the inner monologue’s opinion the same as a four-year-old who believes in Santa explaining how presents are delivered on Christmas, you’ve reached the level of observation necessary to move to the next step…

There has been a major shift in my relationship with asana (and meditation but that’s another story). I used to approach asana from a dualistic, linear perspective. Master asana to a certain extent and then begin working with pranayama and then finally, begin seated meditation.

This sort of woo-woo language tends to trip up “serious” people, myself included. The profound simplicity of flow and obstruction can be challenging to grasp yet intuitively obvious.

If you want to wake up, you must see that a regimented schedule is another way the egoic self exerts the illusion of control. The ego (character) seeks to reinforce its existence and (I believe) that the notion of “time management” is one of the most pervasive traps out there.

I have no compulsion to learn and grow. Quite a statement coming from someone who has built an image around reading, intellectual pursuits, and spiritual growth. What appeared once as a ceaseless desire for improvement has vanished. What happened?

In consensus reality, you are the main character in a play, with many other characters playing their roles. In the awakened state, it’s as if you were playing a character in a theatrical production, but you stepped out of character while everyone else maintained their fictional personas.

I tend to fluctuate from high highs to low lows. When I’m up, I’m like the Energizer Bunny – I require little sleep and am physically and mentally engaged throughout the day. When I’m down, I’m entirely burnt out – I want to crawl under a rock; everything from getting out of bed to washing the dishes feels challenging.

This is the self’s last stand. The character will remain, but without continually reifying itself through constructing games, problems, solutions, wants, needs, and concepts, the self loses its sway. The small self should be anxious – this is a separate anxiety from general “character-related challenges,” such as paying the bills and making it to my next meeting on time. The current anxiety is existential.

A morning journal entry contemplating ego, nonduality, separation, and fear.